XXX Games

Recap of last week's events followed by our first view of the new opening.  Unfortunately, no ridiculous themed opening.

We open to a couple of innocuous players deciding to be ninjas.  The bigger question is why was half the house sleeping on the living room floor.  I'm pretty sure they had rooms like in year's past.  Is it that hot in the house?

CT calls Bird sassy followed by a little Diem time.... love triangle Challenge style.

Zack doing a tremendous amount of dead lifts.  Why is that the official workout of the Challenge?  One handed Jordan decides to follow suit.... and just like that Sarah is smitten.   Thats pretty interesting.

Frank gets in CT's face until Knight wrestles him to the ground.  Good work by Knight... as the crowd goes wild over CT's shirt rip.  But how freaking roided up is Frank??   I can't decide if he is destroying gay stereotypes left and right or setting back the cause 2 decades.  It actually changes every scene.

Our second challenge gets underway.... but first we have to find out Cooke's new partner.  And its Cara Maria, nobody seems too excited, but not a lot of hate there so I'm sure they'll get along

2 stage challenge.... both are pseudo sexual challenges, but both are kind of lame.  Girls are on the chopping block... so we'll see how pumped the guys are to participate.  and just like that wes opts out - actually a pretty smart play.

Really telling to see which guys are carrying which.   Preston and Knight bow out.... and Frank is carrying Bananas.  Whoever would have thought that?

Zack and Trey win and win 1000 bucks.  I guess that should be some incentive.

Girls turn.  Jonna/Nanny come in first in the first part - but in the second part they can't seem to lift one another up.  But realistically the only thing that matters is who comes in last.  

Paula and Emily win another.  Really embarrassing performance by the bottom three as the Rookies - Jessica and Anastasia go straight to the Jungle.

TJ announces that CT and Knight's teams will be penalized for DQing.  They are clearly making the rules up as they go along and I likes it.

Good strategy session by Wes, CT and Diem.  Thats what I'm looking to see.  Have to start playing a smart game.

Cooke and CaraMaria go straight in.   Would be crazy if Bird goes home... I just feel like there is more to be done between her and CT.

CT shows his hand and he is just trying to bait Diem into showing some love.   So many facets to CT.... electrifying TV personality.  The Taffer of the Challenge.

Bird has really flipped the script on CT. What did she see that caused this 180.  She only saw a conversation between Diem and CT.  I mean she is right, but how did she know.  Also curious why she decided to take her shirt off before slapping him.  Unconventional tactic... but effective.

Lep Sack comments that CT was already so hot, but now he is even hotter.  Now I know he lost weight and is more tan - but there is undeniably a sparkle in his eye.  Was it just the absence of CT that has made the viewer's heart grow fonder?

Anastasia talks a big game about CT not being sh!t and then she melts down as the elimination round is about to start.  Luckily, TJ Lavin is their to nurse her back to health.  What a guy.

And speaking of unprecedented..... Cooke decides to pee while waiting for Anastasia to get back to health.  I mean talk about sex appeal.... ugh.

Good editing as the competition seemingly goes back and forth.   Anastasia/Jessica are gone and CT/Wes are coming up roses.

"This girl is freaking looney tunes.  pack your bags and go home rookie" - CT.  Exactly right.  Stop it.  \

And TJ puts an exclamation point on it with the line of the night - guess you shouldnt smoke cigarettes and not eat.  He isnt the best host in the business for nothing folks.

Sara and Jordan start fooling around to end the episode.  Gotta say different side of Jordan than the arrogant prick from RW Portland.

All girl elimination days are a little less interesting.... what did everyone think?  Not a great second episode here.

Episode 1 : Part 2

We're back from commercial and it looks like the Marlon and CT fight has been broken up.  Just a little peacocking by CT.  Does that term apply here?  Probably not...... BUUUUUUUT

Tyrie has fallen asleep on the toilet.  I really regret having called him a human in Part 1.

Montage of CT and Diem.... CT can't quit her.  Diem had a regression with her cancer.... very sad, but man CT is good with her.  If CT wasnt such an uncontrollable man-beast this would be a lovely rom-com.  Who plays CT in that movie?  Diem is played by a middle aged Meg Ryan.

Couple of people posturing.... Jordan mentions his hand and people underestimating him.  Preston does the same... propping up his Levanda hair.

Game of inches.  We've done this before..... one person jumps off a platform to the second partner hanging.

Man, CT is looking good.  Maybe Josh Duhammel, but he'll have to put on 30 lbs of muscle.

I'm assuming Jasmine is wearing a weave.... but thats not a good one.  Time for a change.

Johnny predicts a 60 percent splash down rate.... but 100% make it the first round.  Pretty impressive.

Everyone is calling the girls a terribly unathletic group... but it doest seem bad to me.  Camila is good... Emily is a beast.... Cooke can do some work.... not buying that.

And just like that 5 girls go down....Emily / Diem / Jonny teams survive.   Jonny and Jasmine are scrappers.... just saying.  Don't underestimate those two.

Aneesa/Diem are gone.... Aneesa isnt terrible either.   Girls are never strong athletes but this group is as good as any...

Paula and Emily win.... Emily will will them to victory on the regular.... two experienced players, one who is excellent.....

Wes seems like he has really mellowed out.  Wonder how that will impact his performance.... but he seems like he is turning into a decent dude.

Is it me or are there an inordinate amount of little guys jumping into big guys arms.  Kind of homo-erotic.  Nothing small about Tyrie and Dunbar.  (except Dunbar's penis...)

All 8 guys make it through the first round.

Second round and Tyrie and Dunbar to the jungle.... they're an embarrassment!!!

Now we are just playing for the win.....Leroy and Ty are gone.... surprising.  Preston is surprised he has survived too.

And huge shock... Zack and Trey are the winners.... amazing.  Trey thinks he proved it all.... i think he just proved that he is very annoying.  Between those 2 and Jordan - no shortage of confidence on these dudes.

Now it will be a public vote to see who else is going.  I guess there is no power team and you don't get any power for winning outside of immunity.....

Sounds like Johnny might be on the chopping block.  Amazing how his years of being a jerk.... are finally starting to bite him in the backside.  Tyrie wants Johnny and sounds even dumber in the process than I realized was possible.

I love the defensive posturing every time a veteran gets called out.  The what is he thinking - this is a really dumb move... etc.... etc.... Sarah thinks Rob and Derek should go.  That works for me.   But it sounds like the girls agree with Johnny.... I dont know ... just way too many politics with 30 people in play.... just have to go after the newbies.  How are Jordan/Marlon not on the block?  I mean this never wouldve happened 5 years ago.

Just don't really understand who has Jordan/Marlon's back at this point.   And wow.... TEEJ pulls a fast one.  The guys won't have a vote and Rob and Derek are going in....

These are two pretty weak teams, neither of which I really care about.  But I wouldnt mind being done with Dunbar.  If its a strength game Derek will be a major liability.

No one talks a better game than Tyrie.  Good set of dead lifts there for him.  That will definitely help come tomorrow morning.

Frank annoyingly says that CT is shaking in his boots.  Do we really think anything makes CT shake in his boots? His brother was murdered, he didnt die - he was murdered.  He doesnt shake.

Rock star and Porn star party - is that what we're looking at here?  I don't know - not working for me.  Much like this Bird / CT relationship.  And right in front of Diem.... thats not right.

Naomi gets a call that her father has A heart failure.  She is out of the competition.  But congrats to Naomi for being the first person this season to use the term "beefed out".

CT and Wes are in the pool and now Frank is talking about starting a war.  Stop it Frank.  I guess I don't respect him because I'm old school - but i do have to respect Frank's beefing up and clearly taking the game seriously.  Again beefing up, as in adding muscle.... not beefing out.... as in having a fight / fall out.

Sounds like Cooke is going to get a new teammate, otherwise they would have just unceremoniously sent her home.  New teammate for cooke, but we don't know who.  No obvious candidates considering she got about 40 seconds of camera time on Real World.

Tj explains the jungle.... its a pretty physical game which really should benefit Dunbar's team.  Basically its a game of football.

First round and Derek wins it for his team.  Looks like his quickness will be an asset.  But Tyrie/dunbar need to slow him up.  Robb had no penetration.

Tyrie/Dunbar figure it out in Round 2 and Tyrie slows him up.  But Dunbar falls down before hitting the bell.  Seriously no more fitting way for those two morons to be eliminated.  Incredible.  One of the worst single episodes by two competitors I've ever seen.  And on the first episode.  Dunbar full of excuses as always.  Hope we never see Dunbar again.

Post game party and CT/Diem are dancing..... my lord.... deja vu.  Theresa speaks her first words of the season.... so congrats to her on that - took her about 90 minutes of season.

Johnny tries to warn Anastasia (she was exclusively known as Bird on RW Portland) .......... ominous ending to the season..

Great first episode, tons of potential.... lots of good personalities.... very excited for where this could be going.

More analysis to come.  And one final thank you to MJ Saltambucca for taking the reins last season.

Sack out.

Brand New Season: Rivals 2!!!

Welcome back to Killin it With Tj.  After a season sabbatical... The Sack Is Back.

Lets get straight to the action....

We open up with a montage of Rivals 1.  Followed by a montage of this season's Rivals.  Tj talks about life changing money and officially welcomes us to Rivals 2.

All the Rivals, including a handsome and tanned CT, seem baffled that we're having Rivals.  They know its going to be something - could we really be that surprised.

Lets get on to the teams.

Wes and Ct - Great start, couldnt have a more intriguing team than those two.
Diem and Aneesa - Their beef is old school, but I predict they'll find a way to co-exist.
Zach and Trey - Who cares? All i care about is Zach's hair and glasses combo.  No real anger here, no matter what Zach says - but that was nice rhetoric.
Jessica and Bird - Probably no one besides The Sack and Lep Sack watched Real World Portland.  But know this.... Bird is a sweetheart and Jessica is a HORRENDOUS person in all the wrong ways.
Derek and Rob - Another one night fight brings us rivals.  Unless its prolonged dislike from an actual season or over many Challenges, chances are you're at a competitive advantage.
Paula and Emily - Paula is thrilled, once again she'll be able to be carried by a stronger competitor.  Emily hates her partner personally and professionally.... swing and a miss for Emily.
Ty and Leroy - Thats a really strong duo.  Ty has finally shown some heart and Lee is a beast.
Cooke and Naomi - Rivals from their season, but Cooke was on that season for about 5 seconds.  They're pretty athletic thought.
Rajon Rondo and Knight - They have a serious disdain for one another.  Preston has proven to be serviceable, but knight isn't good enough to carry them.  They'll be close to first out the door.
Jemmy and Camila - No real anger, but they're both nuts.  That'll be fiery.
Tyree and Dunbar - These guys really don't like one another.  And they both are big, fat and stink at the game.   Watch out Knight and Rajon..... we have contenders.  Amazing how much weight Tyree has lost though.  He looks like a human.
Sarah and Trichelle - Rivals? Come on.
Jordan and Marlon - Not Rivals at all.... actually ended Real World Portland on a good note.  Jordan is a fascinating case though.  Seemed really athletic on the season - but is missing a part of his hand.  Can't imagine that doesnt come up later in the episode.
Nany and Johnny - Cute team.  Frenemies....
Jasmine and Theresa - What they're not telling you is Jasmine is a midget and Theresa is gigantic.
Johnny and Frank - Twitter rivalries don't count.... we could have done better here. Everyone hates Johnny.

Tj explains the game.... nothing earth shattering here..... Other than the elimination challenge is called the jungle.

They run to the house and CJ starts laying down the law.  CT being attracted to Bird is mind boggling.  Lends credence to my theory that once a dude reaches a certain age anyone between 18 and 23 becomes hot.

Seems like really strong horseplay to start us off.... its a nice vibrant house.  A pretty solid mix of young and old and some of the younger people like the San Diego team from last season have developed some credibility with the audience.

Marlon falls down and breaks a glass.... CT starts talking crap..... and all of a sudden Marlon is pushed in the pool and they're fighting.  What just happened?  And am I correct in thinking that Jasmine started all of this? Jasmine knocked Marlon down twice? Whaaaaaat?

This post is already getting too long...... find us next in Part 2......

The Insane(ly Lame) Games

The Insane(ly lame) Games

By M.J. Saltimbocca

Happy Halloween, children.  A little late on this recap.  Well, very late.  If any of you caught the Pretty Little Liars Halloween episode, you know that this is a time for sexy costumes that get you to lower your guard and thereby expose you to absolute horror – not unlike a Shannon Tweed movie where the plot revolves around a detective murder.  (Needed that Shannon Tweed reference to balance the PLL knowledge, sorry ladies.)  

We open this episode to some house drama.  Alton has cancelled a day at the beach for the entire house because he is sulking.  People are understandably pissed.  You know that friend who ruins a whole weekend because he/she is sleepy and doesn’t want to be fun?  Alton just did that to the whole house and, by extension, America.  Alton, why do you hate America?   Alternatively, Alton may have been protecting America from Knight/Jemmye in bathing suits, in which case he’s a hero. 

On the strategic front, Frank is pretty transparently trying to lure Alton or Dustin into punching him so he can cry and get them sent home.  I won’t hear any arguments that this is not pure strategy – Frank has no interest in actually competing, he just wants to make 28 team alliances and get people sent home on technicalities.  Fortunately, both Dustin and Alton are on top of this and don’t fall for it.  Kudos, gentlemen. 

Punch me, come on, nothing will happen.  You haven't seen one of these challenges before, right?

That was pretty torturous television, so it was a relief when the challenge began – even if it was  a multi-event gladiatorial Olympics.

Footnote – Did anyone else notice that Alton screamed “Are you not entertained?!” in the gym at the beginning of this episode?  We’re supposed to believe he made this reference to Gladiator BEFORE finding out that the day’s events would be a serious of gladiator-like events?  Methinks this episode was aired out of sequence…

And, the Insane Games (actual name – someone at MTV should be fired) begin.

Chariot Race

One team member pulls the others in a chariot harness as though he’s a horse while wearing a horse mask.  Truly an inspired game.  Apparently the heat combined with the mask led to multiple people almost collapsing – and Alton needing a post-competition gas mask.  Just fabulous.  Cancun won, JD made a good quip, Knight was kind of fat and pathetic.  The vomiting and gas masking aftermath was more enjoyable than the event itself.

Interestingly, Sarah openly said she didn’t care that Alton was literally dying because she was focused on Brooklyn.  Perhaps the conspiracy theorists are right and Sarah is heinous?  Was Trischelle right about the conspiracy where Sarah is sabotaging Alton by seducing him?  I’ve most from thinking this was absurd to on-the-fence.

Egg Toss

Our heroes were then challenged with throwing eggs over a wall to be caught by teammates in a funnel-hat-thing.  MTV decided to spice this game up with chicken sound effects resulting in the most embarrassing five minutes MTV has aired since The Hills Aftershow stopped.

Joust

New Orleans v. Vegas in a good old fashioned joust worthy of American Gladiators only with no steroids.  Well, fewer steroids (I’m looking at you Zach).

Commercial Break – Is anyone else really weirded out by the Charlie Sheen house arrest Fiat commercial? Somehow he makes the lifestyle of living in a mansion filled with models unattractive.  Pretty impressive.

Fish Beating

The consolation round was decided by having one competitor from each team swing giant fish at each other to knock them off pedestals.  You know how sitcoms used to air “recap” episodes to save on budget?  For example, Fresh Prince would run a full 30 minutes of the characters remembering earlier episodes.  This was totally a budget ploy, and it was infuriating.  This episode feels like MTV saving on budget, because these challenges were all things you could do in your backyard with friends and 20 dollars.  And TJ Lavin.  The optimist in me hopes that MTV is pulling this because they need to save money for an epic finale, but geez Louise.

St. Thomas loses the fish battle, and they will face a team selected by New Orleans. 

Elimination Selection

Alton asked to be sent in.  Absolutely bizarre.  Alton and Sarah clearly had some kind of dustup and Alton is going crazy as a result.  TRISCHELLE CONSPIRACY THEORY!!! She was right!!!! Alton is an epically selfish dude, and is called out as such by the rest of the Vegas team.  This is a hall-of-fame bad episode for Alton.  He’s hovering dangerously close to the “Big Easy Memorial Expulsion for Being a Bitch” Zone.  I’m appalled. 

Alas, New Orleans sends in Vegas to go against St. Thomas.  St. Thomas sends in Laura (“am I somehow the best looking girl left on the show?”) and Trey (“If I were any dumber, would a tree hurt?”); Vegas sends Dustin (literally had a knight-in-shining-armor moment in every episode so far) and my girl Nany.  Nanny begged Dustin to come into the Arena with her rather than Alton, since Alton basically promised to phone it in.  Alton is really ruining the game at this point. 

CJ calls out Alton for begging to be sent in and then not going in when Vegas was chosen.  This causes a kerfluffle.  They didn’t show Frank smiling, but you KNOW somewhere he’s hoping for someone to get sent home.  Next thing you know, an enormous pink marshmallow (oh wait, that’s Zach) fell onto Alton. This is how accidents happen, kids.  Sadly, the fight was broken up in short order after TJ shifted his weight and intimidated everyone.

Elimination Event – The Stupid Knot Game

The elimination challenge is a repeat of the game where the teams are in separate metal web-shaped cages and attached to a giant twine, which they need to acrobatically tie into a complicated knot.  Then the teams need to untie their opponents’ knot. 

This looks like literally the most tiring thing in the history of earth.

Interestingly, during the knot-tieing portion, the Vegas team is having a lot of trouble and St. Thomas is killing it.  I think that being really dumb might be a major advantage in this game because you don’t even try to think about making it complicated, you just run around and there is no logical way to unravel it.  Trey is a major asset in this regard since he is technically the dumbest brick on television since the episode of I Love New York where New York went on a date with a rapper who only wrote rhymes about his horses. 

Incredibly, despite barely tying any knots, Vegas wins because St. Thomas became totally gassed.  This confirms earlier suspicions that this game is really an endurance/strength challenge rather than pure strategy.  Nice job by the gods to keep Nany in the game.  15 minutes are the game was over Trey realized he’d lost, thanked god, and said he wished he’d had more time to get to know people.  This heartfelt moment made me kind of sad for ragging on Trey.  You’re a good egg, Trevor.

Denouement

TJ says there is a lot of tension in the house, and goodness gracious is he right.  Everyone hates Alton, Frank is a sociopath, Sarah is being sneaky-bitchy to Alton in a way that makes me sad, Zach is saying menacing things and wearing deep-v muscle shirts.  Trischelle is starting to sound like the voice of reason.  We’re getting into some serious business. 

The path to the finale is coming into view.

Trivia Question – Who’s a Big Fat Quitter?

Episode 5

By:  MJ Saltimbocca

Easy, I liked you more when you were fat but had integrity.

Elimination

If you’re a fan of Brazilian estrogen explosions, ignominious failure or near-death trivia penalties, this was a good day for you.

Episode 5 began with the elimination challenge from last week, and featured Brooklyn’s Devyn and JD versus Fresh Meat’s Big Easy and Camilla in a “mental” game.  Our friends at MTV connected the teams by a pulley with one member completing a budget memory puzzle while the other member intentionally drowns himself by being hung from a yardarm.  Extra points for creativity this week.

Big Easy has had some strange moments this Challenge.  He inexplicably dry heaved and fell from a suspended beam a few weeks ago.  He proved startlingly good at lifting boulders in a basket with his leg muscles last week.  And this week, he suffered what appears to have been a Vietnam flashback which forced him to quit rather than dunk his head under water. 

Fortunately, Eric’s partner Camilla was really supportive.

“You’re a disgrace to the human kind.” – Camilla

"I don't have a partner because I don't align myself with quitters."  Is it just me or is Camilla's ability to speak English really inconsistent?

Camilla reacted to Big Easy’s resignation by going through all the stages of grief in rapid succession.  She denied the resignation – trying to climb the puzzle board herself and insisting that the game continue, sobbed uncontrollably, and furiously chewed out Easy with a tirade so abusive that Trischelle was offended.  This is the same Trishchelle who slept with Steven during her Las Vegas season.  I presumed she was incapable of being offended.

In a rare bit of editorializing, TJ used the transitive property to tell Easy he hates him.  TJ – “The one thing I hate in life is quitters.”  Ouch.  The Sack hit the nail on the head in his analysis last night (see previous post) – Big Easy should be banned from future challenges for this stunt.  Love or hate Camilla, she’s a goddam warrior.  I hope her endorsement deal for Proactiv solution works out. (Burn.)

For his part, Easy buried his head in Devyn’s admittedly ample bosom and probably called his agent to pitch a reality show following his relationship with Devyn in Kentucky.  Does anyone think it’s conceivable that these two are in a relationship right now?  There’s a better chance that Devyn has already married a geriatric billionaire, killed him, and retired to brownstone in Park Slope.

Thank god the Challenge has exorcised the awfulness that was team Fresh Meat.  They were a flaming ball of negativity from Jump Street. 

"Okay, Cara - start unpredictably crying.  Brando - start complaining halfway through and sulking.  Easy - find a way to epic-fail in a way that makes people question whether you have Lou Gehrig's disease.  Ready, break!"

Team Challenge

Today’s team challenge is a mild variation on the traditional trivia game where answering a question incorrectly results in you being dropped from an outrageous height into the ocean (this is a Sack favorite).  This challenge typically reveals that some of our heroes are incredibly stupid and occasionally results in absurd injuries.  Last time around Dustin got a booboo on his knee and had to go home.  Aneesa had a spectacular breakdown in the Dominican Republic that fans may remember because she almost drowned.  This year the penalty drop forces you to land on your head.  TJ is so excited to be hosting this game that it makes me excited.

Sara (Bklyn) apparently loves trivia so much that she has “trivia master” on her business card next to “speaker” and “artist.”  Sara, sweetie, I love you.  But get a goddam job.

A sample of some of the stupidity:  Laura – “I don’t really know anything about the oceans.”  Jasmine – “I took AP Geography” immediately before not being able to name the capital of England.  Wow.

Nothing to recap here.  San Diego won in a walk.  New Orleans lost.

With Fresh Meat gone, the only non-Alliance team left is Brooklyn.  After tinkering with the idea of throwing an Alliance team into the elimination  - which would have been great for the game – San Diego played it safe and sent in poor Brooklyn with their elimination super-team Sarah and Chet.

Elimination Challenge

This was a terrifying elimination because McKenzie was on the chopping block.  If we lose McKenzie at this stage, there is really no female eye candy remaining unless you’re a Nany fan.  Or if you have some kind of Jemmye fetish, and if that’s the case you should be on some kind of watch list, because she’s horrendous. 

San Diego chooses the “endurance” Arena game where the teams compete under wires to send as many balls along the wires to the other side. Fortunately for New Orleans, Preston and McKenzie are really tall.  Unfortunately, Preston is superbly unathletic.

Brooklyn kicked the crap out of New Orleans.  Preston almost passed out.  McKenzie is going home and she’s taking the hearts and minds of the male Challenge fan with her.

Brooklyn is looking awfully feisty this year.  They are one of these challenge teams that goes into elimination after elimination and is battle-hardened.  Chet has been performing like a man, which is surprising considering he wears pastel bow ties and combs his hair like it’s 1957.

The two remaining players for New Orleans are Jemmye and Knight – the lovebirds.  Over under 1.5 episodes until they are dispatched?