The Insane(ly Lame) Games

The Insane(ly lame) Games

By M.J. Saltimbocca

Happy Halloween, children.  A little late on this recap.  Well, very late.  If any of you caught the Pretty Little Liars Halloween episode, you know that this is a time for sexy costumes that get you to lower your guard and thereby expose you to absolute horror – not unlike a Shannon Tweed movie where the plot revolves around a detective murder.  (Needed that Shannon Tweed reference to balance the PLL knowledge, sorry ladies.)  

We open this episode to some house drama.  Alton has cancelled a day at the beach for the entire house because he is sulking.  People are understandably pissed.  You know that friend who ruins a whole weekend because he/she is sleepy and doesn’t want to be fun?  Alton just did that to the whole house and, by extension, America.  Alton, why do you hate America?   Alternatively, Alton may have been protecting America from Knight/Jemmye in bathing suits, in which case he’s a hero. 

On the strategic front, Frank is pretty transparently trying to lure Alton or Dustin into punching him so he can cry and get them sent home.  I won’t hear any arguments that this is not pure strategy – Frank has no interest in actually competing, he just wants to make 28 team alliances and get people sent home on technicalities.  Fortunately, both Dustin and Alton are on top of this and don’t fall for it.  Kudos, gentlemen. 

Punch me, come on, nothing will happen.  You haven't seen one of these challenges before, right?

That was pretty torturous television, so it was a relief when the challenge began – even if it was  a multi-event gladiatorial Olympics.

Footnote – Did anyone else notice that Alton screamed “Are you not entertained?!” in the gym at the beginning of this episode?  We’re supposed to believe he made this reference to Gladiator BEFORE finding out that the day’s events would be a serious of gladiator-like events?  Methinks this episode was aired out of sequence…

And, the Insane Games (actual name – someone at MTV should be fired) begin.

Chariot Race

One team member pulls the others in a chariot harness as though he’s a horse while wearing a horse mask.  Truly an inspired game.  Apparently the heat combined with the mask led to multiple people almost collapsing – and Alton needing a post-competition gas mask.  Just fabulous.  Cancun won, JD made a good quip, Knight was kind of fat and pathetic.  The vomiting and gas masking aftermath was more enjoyable than the event itself.

Interestingly, Sarah openly said she didn’t care that Alton was literally dying because she was focused on Brooklyn.  Perhaps the conspiracy theorists are right and Sarah is heinous?  Was Trischelle right about the conspiracy where Sarah is sabotaging Alton by seducing him?  I’ve most from thinking this was absurd to on-the-fence.

Egg Toss

Our heroes were then challenged with throwing eggs over a wall to be caught by teammates in a funnel-hat-thing.  MTV decided to spice this game up with chicken sound effects resulting in the most embarrassing five minutes MTV has aired since The Hills Aftershow stopped.

Joust

New Orleans v. Vegas in a good old fashioned joust worthy of American Gladiators only with no steroids.  Well, fewer steroids (I’m looking at you Zach).

Commercial Break – Is anyone else really weirded out by the Charlie Sheen house arrest Fiat commercial? Somehow he makes the lifestyle of living in a mansion filled with models unattractive.  Pretty impressive.

Fish Beating

The consolation round was decided by having one competitor from each team swing giant fish at each other to knock them off pedestals.  You know how sitcoms used to air “recap” episodes to save on budget?  For example, Fresh Prince would run a full 30 minutes of the characters remembering earlier episodes.  This was totally a budget ploy, and it was infuriating.  This episode feels like MTV saving on budget, because these challenges were all things you could do in your backyard with friends and 20 dollars.  And TJ Lavin.  The optimist in me hopes that MTV is pulling this because they need to save money for an epic finale, but geez Louise.

St. Thomas loses the fish battle, and they will face a team selected by New Orleans. 

Elimination Selection

Alton asked to be sent in.  Absolutely bizarre.  Alton and Sarah clearly had some kind of dustup and Alton is going crazy as a result.  TRISCHELLE CONSPIRACY THEORY!!! She was right!!!! Alton is an epically selfish dude, and is called out as such by the rest of the Vegas team.  This is a hall-of-fame bad episode for Alton.  He’s hovering dangerously close to the “Big Easy Memorial Expulsion for Being a Bitch” Zone.  I’m appalled. 

Alas, New Orleans sends in Vegas to go against St. Thomas.  St. Thomas sends in Laura (“am I somehow the best looking girl left on the show?”) and Trey (“If I were any dumber, would a tree hurt?”); Vegas sends Dustin (literally had a knight-in-shining-armor moment in every episode so far) and my girl Nany.  Nanny begged Dustin to come into the Arena with her rather than Alton, since Alton basically promised to phone it in.  Alton is really ruining the game at this point. 

CJ calls out Alton for begging to be sent in and then not going in when Vegas was chosen.  This causes a kerfluffle.  They didn’t show Frank smiling, but you KNOW somewhere he’s hoping for someone to get sent home.  Next thing you know, an enormous pink marshmallow (oh wait, that’s Zach) fell onto Alton. This is how accidents happen, kids.  Sadly, the fight was broken up in short order after TJ shifted his weight and intimidated everyone.

Elimination Event – The Stupid Knot Game

The elimination challenge is a repeat of the game where the teams are in separate metal web-shaped cages and attached to a giant twine, which they need to acrobatically tie into a complicated knot.  Then the teams need to untie their opponents’ knot. 

This looks like literally the most tiring thing in the history of earth.

Interestingly, during the knot-tieing portion, the Vegas team is having a lot of trouble and St. Thomas is killing it.  I think that being really dumb might be a major advantage in this game because you don’t even try to think about making it complicated, you just run around and there is no logical way to unravel it.  Trey is a major asset in this regard since he is technically the dumbest brick on television since the episode of I Love New York where New York went on a date with a rapper who only wrote rhymes about his horses. 

Incredibly, despite barely tying any knots, Vegas wins because St. Thomas became totally gassed.  This confirms earlier suspicions that this game is really an endurance/strength challenge rather than pure strategy.  Nice job by the gods to keep Nany in the game.  15 minutes are the game was over Trey realized he’d lost, thanked god, and said he wished he’d had more time to get to know people.  This heartfelt moment made me kind of sad for ragging on Trey.  You’re a good egg, Trevor.

Denouement

TJ says there is a lot of tension in the house, and goodness gracious is he right.  Everyone hates Alton, Frank is a sociopath, Sarah is being sneaky-bitchy to Alton in a way that makes me sad, Zach is saying menacing things and wearing deep-v muscle shirts.  Trischelle is starting to sound like the voice of reason.  We’re getting into some serious business. 

The path to the finale is coming into view.

Trivia Question – Who’s a Big Fat Quitter?

Episode 5

By:  MJ Saltimbocca

Easy, I liked you more when you were fat but had integrity.

Elimination

If you’re a fan of Brazilian estrogen explosions, ignominious failure or near-death trivia penalties, this was a good day for you.

Episode 5 began with the elimination challenge from last week, and featured Brooklyn’s Devyn and JD versus Fresh Meat’s Big Easy and Camilla in a “mental” game.  Our friends at MTV connected the teams by a pulley with one member completing a budget memory puzzle while the other member intentionally drowns himself by being hung from a yardarm.  Extra points for creativity this week.

Big Easy has had some strange moments this Challenge.  He inexplicably dry heaved and fell from a suspended beam a few weeks ago.  He proved startlingly good at lifting boulders in a basket with his leg muscles last week.  And this week, he suffered what appears to have been a Vietnam flashback which forced him to quit rather than dunk his head under water. 

Fortunately, Eric’s partner Camilla was really supportive.

“You’re a disgrace to the human kind.” – Camilla

"I don't have a partner because I don't align myself with quitters."  Is it just me or is Camilla's ability to speak English really inconsistent?

Camilla reacted to Big Easy’s resignation by going through all the stages of grief in rapid succession.  She denied the resignation – trying to climb the puzzle board herself and insisting that the game continue, sobbed uncontrollably, and furiously chewed out Easy with a tirade so abusive that Trischelle was offended.  This is the same Trishchelle who slept with Steven during her Las Vegas season.  I presumed she was incapable of being offended.

In a rare bit of editorializing, TJ used the transitive property to tell Easy he hates him.  TJ – “The one thing I hate in life is quitters.”  Ouch.  The Sack hit the nail on the head in his analysis last night (see previous post) – Big Easy should be banned from future challenges for this stunt.  Love or hate Camilla, she’s a goddam warrior.  I hope her endorsement deal for Proactiv solution works out. (Burn.)

For his part, Easy buried his head in Devyn’s admittedly ample bosom and probably called his agent to pitch a reality show following his relationship with Devyn in Kentucky.  Does anyone think it’s conceivable that these two are in a relationship right now?  There’s a better chance that Devyn has already married a geriatric billionaire, killed him, and retired to brownstone in Park Slope.

Thank god the Challenge has exorcised the awfulness that was team Fresh Meat.  They were a flaming ball of negativity from Jump Street. 

"Okay, Cara - start unpredictably crying.  Brando - start complaining halfway through and sulking.  Easy - find a way to epic-fail in a way that makes people question whether you have Lou Gehrig's disease.  Ready, break!"

Team Challenge

Today’s team challenge is a mild variation on the traditional trivia game where answering a question incorrectly results in you being dropped from an outrageous height into the ocean (this is a Sack favorite).  This challenge typically reveals that some of our heroes are incredibly stupid and occasionally results in absurd injuries.  Last time around Dustin got a booboo on his knee and had to go home.  Aneesa had a spectacular breakdown in the Dominican Republic that fans may remember because she almost drowned.  This year the penalty drop forces you to land on your head.  TJ is so excited to be hosting this game that it makes me excited.

Sara (Bklyn) apparently loves trivia so much that she has “trivia master” on her business card next to “speaker” and “artist.”  Sara, sweetie, I love you.  But get a goddam job.

A sample of some of the stupidity:  Laura – “I don’t really know anything about the oceans.”  Jasmine – “I took AP Geography” immediately before not being able to name the capital of England.  Wow.

Nothing to recap here.  San Diego won in a walk.  New Orleans lost.

With Fresh Meat gone, the only non-Alliance team left is Brooklyn.  After tinkering with the idea of throwing an Alliance team into the elimination  - which would have been great for the game – San Diego played it safe and sent in poor Brooklyn with their elimination super-team Sarah and Chet.

Elimination Challenge

This was a terrifying elimination because McKenzie was on the chopping block.  If we lose McKenzie at this stage, there is really no female eye candy remaining unless you’re a Nany fan.  Or if you have some kind of Jemmye fetish, and if that’s the case you should be on some kind of watch list, because she’s horrendous. 

San Diego chooses the “endurance” Arena game where the teams compete under wires to send as many balls along the wires to the other side. Fortunately for New Orleans, Preston and McKenzie are really tall.  Unfortunately, Preston is superbly unathletic.

Brooklyn kicked the crap out of New Orleans.  Preston almost passed out.  McKenzie is going home and she’s taking the hearts and minds of the male Challenge fan with her.

Brooklyn is looking awfully feisty this year.  They are one of these challenge teams that goes into elimination after elimination and is battle-hardened.  Chet has been performing like a man, which is surprising considering he wears pastel bow ties and combs his hair like it’s 1957.

The two remaining players for New Orleans are Jemmye and Knight – the lovebirds.  Over under 1.5 episodes until they are dispatched? 

Sensational

By: The Sack

Every word out of Camila's mouth was absolutely correct.  The way Easy bitched out again this week is inexcusable and he IS a disgrace to the human race.

TJ echoed the sentiments, but Camila really hammered it home.   I know she has been criticized in the past for being a loose cannon and a little unhinged, but that kind of passion for the game is exactly what this season needed.

After Easy's DQ on the final mission a few seasons back and subsequent weight loss - there is no excuse for pulling the stunt he pulled.

All my blood was in my feet and the water was cold - this isnt healthy.   That was the explanation I got and simply put it wasn't good enough.

Needless to say really good game that The Challenge producers put together.  I questioned endurance, mental, strategy as categories - but that game brought the goods.

The game this week appears to be a trivia contest.  Sacky likey.  Not a surprise that Trischelle punks out.   My lord she is insufferable.  Alton puts it right when he says the dehydration prevented her from sitting on a chair?  C'mon after all the shit shes been talking, she can't pull that.

They start off with Challenge trivia, which is really uninteresting because its something the competitors actually have a chance of answering.  As I've mentioned in the past-  I'd vastly prefer basic arithmetic.

Sidenote - Underemployed, not good.  I might be getting too old to enjoy all MTV shows, no questions asked.  Sad Day.

Impressive job by Frank and Jasmine getting some tough trivia questions.

Geography is next up.   Everyone nailing it.  knight not being sure on District of Columbia wasn't awe inspiring, but he got it.

Jasmine took Ap geography in high school - talk about setting yourself up for failure.  She goes for Liverpool as the capital of England.  Almost too smart of an answer.   Thats a good miss.

Alton guessing Kris Duncan as Kim Kardashian's ex-husband was pretty epic, you get the sense he can't be bothered with team sports.   That answer was legitimately like a sitcom answer from a wife who knows nothing about sports, and combining the first and last names of famous sports people she might know.  Magic Bird?

Rd 4 - sports.  Nany is the last man standing for her team.  She claimed to be a big sports fan during her season.  She gets a  baseball question.... Red Sox are from where? - you have to get that.  And she does.  Nicely done.

Rajon Rondo gets a question about the NBA.  he should be able to nail that.  Confused the suns and the jazz - happens to me all the time.

Frank 4/4.  2 gay guys - 2/2 on sports questions - defying all stereotypes.

Nany last up again.   We are on Currency questions and they are legitimately IMPOSSIBLE.   Nany somehow nails hers.  Good job by her! I'm impressed.  

This is by far the best trivia showing in the history of the challenge.  But just like that Jemmye doesnt even give a guess on the 10 dollar bill..... New Orleans is headed into The Arena.

And after that - Ashley guesses that the challenge has been on 21 continents.  Not a stellar showing.

What we've all been waiting for - the spelling bee.  Narcissistic spelled incorrectly by Chet and San Diego is the power team.  All thanks to Frank.  Disappointed that meat block Zach didn't have to answer a question.

Deliberation time.  Who would have thought that the alliance of every team would eventually have to break up.  Frank is running the game.  And by the look of Jemmye in that lime green sports bra - she is running the buffet.  WOOF.

(*Lep Sack notes the real problem with Jemmye is that she is always drooling** good point)

New Orleans vs Brooklyn.  Very unoriginal.  I would have thrown in that pig Trischelle.

They choose Endurance and Chet guarantees victory.

Nice to get an obligatory Alton 2.0 work out scene.  Once again the only compelling male character in the show is on the back burner.

We know it'll be Sarah and Chet.  I actually think Preston's angular frame could fare well in this weird balls game.  Wondering if we'll have two eliminations in the same episode......

McKenzie's height vs Sara is going to be a major disadvantage.  truly think knight and his cherubic facial features could have beaten Chet and Sarah.

Plenty of time to strategize for this bad boy.  Lets see if anyone came up with some interesting plans.
And just like that mackenzie and preston look completely overwhelmed.  watching preston fumble with those balls was really all i needed to see - this is over.

Cant believe the first heat was only a one ball deficit.  Maybe Presto has got a shot here.

McKenzie really dogging it there.  Brooklyn wins, but Preston was really close to pulling off my strategy of loading up balls near the wall and knocking them over as close to the buzzer as possible.  Preston really gave it a go.  Proud of him.

Bottom line - easy bitched out again and doesnt deserve Devyn's fake yams.  He should not be allowed back on this thing.  Its a joke at this point.

Sad their relationship will no longer be covered, but I'd reckon there will be more drama stirred up as the alliance gets broken up.

More from MJ Saltambuckackia in the morning.

LiveBlog – Episode 4  

"Rise of the Dark Knight"

MJ Saltimbocca

PROGRAMMING NOTE:  ** This Live Blog is a few days late, but it’s my first week on the staff.  Cut me some slack here.  In the future, these are going to hit on Thursday morning after each episode. **

House Time

• Dance party montage to open the episode!  Dustin does a swan dive off a yacht!  Welcome back to Turkey, baby! 
• Trishelle is chatting it up with Knight and conspiring against Nany.  My girl Trishelle has been EVERYWHERE this season.  Little too visible for my tastes, she’s got a target on her back.
• Frank gives us an overview of the alliance which includes Cancun, San Diego, New Orleans and sort of Vegas.  If you’re wondering, yes, that is virtually every team.  My man Frank doesn’t seem to know how alliances work.  This is more of a world-peace strategy than a winning-domination strategy.  What’s going to happen in two weeks, Frank?  What would Wes do? 
• Knight makes the first of what should be many dastardly justifying the name of the episode – Rise of the Dark Knight.  He throws a number of people’s luggage and clothes in the pool for apparently no reason.  He’s clearly drunk but it’s unclear whether that’s the driver.
• For those of you who aren’t overly familiar, Knight is a kind-of-fat piece of garbage who mumbles everything and wields a level of confidence that has no basis.  Quick actual dialogue:







Knight, taking a soak.

• Camilla:  You’re a piece of dirt, you’re a loser!
• Knight:  (mumbling while skulking around) You’re an idiot, in this game, you’re an idiot.
• Big Easy fishes the clothes out with a skimmer.  Dustin comes out with a shower cap and declares it a team building exercise.  This is a strange, strange season.

Team Challenge

• The challenge for the day is unveiled by TJ – basically each team has two members holding a basket from a platform.  The other teams can fill the baskets with rocks until it’s too heavy for the holders.  Last team standing wins. 
• TJ declares that there are “7 teams and 7 holes”, and I have to admit it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  

What's the head-count fellas?

• Trey, of St. Thomas, refuses to make a strategic play because he’s too honorable.  Needless to say Trey and Alton wouldn’t make for a riveting Stratego match.  It’s like they’ve never seen the show before.
• The Alliance targets poor Brooklyn again. Since the alliance is every team but Brooklyn and Fresh Meat, this was something of a fait accompli.  So, Brooklyn will be in the bottom and be in The Arena.
• This challenge couldn’t be more boring, especially with the Alliance just slowly filling baskets according to a strategic plan.  Show runners need to raise their game.
• Big Easy is the next target and is holding his basket by himself.  He goes into a crouch position like he’s at a public restroom that hasn’t converted to the disposal covers system.  Apparently this was an impressive display, and it turned Devyn on.  E has to see this as a win.  Is Trim-Easy a competitor?  Every time he does something good he follows it up with something pathetic.
• Zach from San Diego is a gargantuan man, but in this challenge he hilariously struggled.  This thing is a hernia waiting to happen.
• Aaaand, the Alliance is breaking down.  The plan seems to be that once the targets were eliminated the Alliance teams would just go at their own pace and whoever wins, wins.  Terrible plan.  All the Alliance teams start accusing the others of manipulating the process in this stupid basket challenge.  Frank:The Alliance::Wilson:League of Nations.  Sorry, kid.

Selection of the Arena Team

• Commercial break:  apparently Trojan is putting out a condom called “Trojan: Charged Orgasmic Pleasure.”  Seems to take a lot of responsibility out of the hands of the condom wielder.
• Cancun won the challenge so they will choose a team to face Brooklyn in The Arena elimination challenge.  They propose to St. Thomas (another Alliance team) that they throw them in to clear out the weaker two.   Why would St. Thomas EVER agree to this?  
• Knight:  “Marie is again acting like a wild wildebeest.” 

• No surprise, Cancun is sending in Big Easy and Camila – the last remnants of Fresh Meat.
• There’s an amazing post-selection argument between Chet and CJ from Cancun.  CJ tells Chet that, even though he keeps sending Brooklyn into the Arena, he’s proud of Chet for the way he’s competing.  Amazing.  CJ strikes me as one of these dudes who’s been too good looking his whole life so he doesn’t realize people might hate him.

Club Night / Fight Night

• Ah, a long-awaited club night!  When you think Turkey, who doesn’t think wild clubbing?
• Devyn is telling Big Easy that she gets excited to see him coming to breakfast in the morning.  This thing might be for real, people.  We’re looking at marriage here.
• Camila gets a little drunk and chastising all the rookies for playing the strategy game instead of actually competing.  Somehow Devyn gets pissed and starts screaming bloody murder.  Whoa.
• Somewhere in there Knight drops the C-word and Nany is VERY upset.  Why was Knight even involved in this fight?  The whole world turns on Knight very quickly.  Oh boy, c-word again.
• Some not-so-great editing here by MTV.  Somehow this turned into a Nany v. Knight fight at an intensity level that it caused Nany’s heart and mind to break simultaneously.  Nany wants to go home.  Rookies, dude, pathetic.  Dustin is trying to clean it up by using his boyfriend voice.  I must say, impressive work by Dustin.  His boyfriend voice is hypnotic.  It’s like an outtake from Dustin’ The Pipes.
• Knight is in a lawn chair post-fight waxing philosophical about how this is all part of his grand design to psychologically manipulate everyone in the house.  Can anyone imagine that being true - that Knight isn’t just an asshole, he’s doing all of this to eliminate people?  What do we think, 15% chance?

Pre- Elimination

• Knight wakes up sober and has zero regrets.  Have to respect that on some level.  I wake up on non-drinking Tuesdays with regrets.
• Devyn and E are having a fight because she refused to disclose the age of her oldest paramour.  A couple of thoughts here – 1) Easy must be out of his goddam mind to have this fight, why does he care????, and 2) under/over 82 on Devyn’s oldest ex?  I think it’s over.  God bless her.
• Devyn - “Easy is just scared that when I go back to New York and he goes back to Kentucky that this won’t work.”  Does Devyn realize the absurdity of this?  No sign.
• Knight brokers a make-up between Devyn and Eric.  Knight had a helluva episode here tonight. 

"I'm the most manipulative person in this house, I'm going to F%$K everyone's mind."

The Arena

•  Running out of time, it looks like this is going to carry over to the next episode.
• Devyn volunteers to go into the Arena – she really had to because Sarah already did, but MTV made a big deal of it.  Now that Devyn and E will both be in the elimination, one has to go home.  Don’t worry guys, you’re both terrible.  The other one will be on the next flight out when they’re eliminated in episode 5. 

Does this look like a man who should be interrogating you about your ex-boyfriends?

• So, next week will open with Brooklyn v. Fresh Meat in a Mental elimination challenge. What could go wrong?