The Insane(ly Lame) Games

The Insane(ly lame) Games

By M.J. Saltimbocca

Happy Halloween, children.  A little late on this recap.  Well, very late.  If any of you caught the Pretty Little Liars Halloween episode, you know that this is a time for sexy costumes that get you to lower your guard and thereby expose you to absolute horror – not unlike a Shannon Tweed movie where the plot revolves around a detective murder.  (Needed that Shannon Tweed reference to balance the PLL knowledge, sorry ladies.)  

We open this episode to some house drama.  Alton has cancelled a day at the beach for the entire house because he is sulking.  People are understandably pissed.  You know that friend who ruins a whole weekend because he/she is sleepy and doesn’t want to be fun?  Alton just did that to the whole house and, by extension, America.  Alton, why do you hate America?   Alternatively, Alton may have been protecting America from Knight/Jemmye in bathing suits, in which case he’s a hero. 

On the strategic front, Frank is pretty transparently trying to lure Alton or Dustin into punching him so he can cry and get them sent home.  I won’t hear any arguments that this is not pure strategy – Frank has no interest in actually competing, he just wants to make 28 team alliances and get people sent home on technicalities.  Fortunately, both Dustin and Alton are on top of this and don’t fall for it.  Kudos, gentlemen. 

Punch me, come on, nothing will happen.  You haven't seen one of these challenges before, right?

That was pretty torturous television, so it was a relief when the challenge began – even if it was  a multi-event gladiatorial Olympics.

Footnote – Did anyone else notice that Alton screamed “Are you not entertained?!” in the gym at the beginning of this episode?  We’re supposed to believe he made this reference to Gladiator BEFORE finding out that the day’s events would be a serious of gladiator-like events?  Methinks this episode was aired out of sequence…

And, the Insane Games (actual name – someone at MTV should be fired) begin.

Chariot Race

One team member pulls the others in a chariot harness as though he’s a horse while wearing a horse mask.  Truly an inspired game.  Apparently the heat combined with the mask led to multiple people almost collapsing – and Alton needing a post-competition gas mask.  Just fabulous.  Cancun won, JD made a good quip, Knight was kind of fat and pathetic.  The vomiting and gas masking aftermath was more enjoyable than the event itself.

Interestingly, Sarah openly said she didn’t care that Alton was literally dying because she was focused on Brooklyn.  Perhaps the conspiracy theorists are right and Sarah is heinous?  Was Trischelle right about the conspiracy where Sarah is sabotaging Alton by seducing him?  I’ve most from thinking this was absurd to on-the-fence.

Egg Toss

Our heroes were then challenged with throwing eggs over a wall to be caught by teammates in a funnel-hat-thing.  MTV decided to spice this game up with chicken sound effects resulting in the most embarrassing five minutes MTV has aired since The Hills Aftershow stopped.

Joust

New Orleans v. Vegas in a good old fashioned joust worthy of American Gladiators only with no steroids.  Well, fewer steroids (I’m looking at you Zach).

Commercial Break – Is anyone else really weirded out by the Charlie Sheen house arrest Fiat commercial? Somehow he makes the lifestyle of living in a mansion filled with models unattractive.  Pretty impressive.

Fish Beating

The consolation round was decided by having one competitor from each team swing giant fish at each other to knock them off pedestals.  You know how sitcoms used to air “recap” episodes to save on budget?  For example, Fresh Prince would run a full 30 minutes of the characters remembering earlier episodes.  This was totally a budget ploy, and it was infuriating.  This episode feels like MTV saving on budget, because these challenges were all things you could do in your backyard with friends and 20 dollars.  And TJ Lavin.  The optimist in me hopes that MTV is pulling this because they need to save money for an epic finale, but geez Louise.

St. Thomas loses the fish battle, and they will face a team selected by New Orleans. 

Elimination Selection

Alton asked to be sent in.  Absolutely bizarre.  Alton and Sarah clearly had some kind of dustup and Alton is going crazy as a result.  TRISCHELLE CONSPIRACY THEORY!!! She was right!!!! Alton is an epically selfish dude, and is called out as such by the rest of the Vegas team.  This is a hall-of-fame bad episode for Alton.  He’s hovering dangerously close to the “Big Easy Memorial Expulsion for Being a Bitch” Zone.  I’m appalled. 

Alas, New Orleans sends in Vegas to go against St. Thomas.  St. Thomas sends in Laura (“am I somehow the best looking girl left on the show?”) and Trey (“If I were any dumber, would a tree hurt?”); Vegas sends Dustin (literally had a knight-in-shining-armor moment in every episode so far) and my girl Nany.  Nanny begged Dustin to come into the Arena with her rather than Alton, since Alton basically promised to phone it in.  Alton is really ruining the game at this point. 

CJ calls out Alton for begging to be sent in and then not going in when Vegas was chosen.  This causes a kerfluffle.  They didn’t show Frank smiling, but you KNOW somewhere he’s hoping for someone to get sent home.  Next thing you know, an enormous pink marshmallow (oh wait, that’s Zach) fell onto Alton. This is how accidents happen, kids.  Sadly, the fight was broken up in short order after TJ shifted his weight and intimidated everyone.

Elimination Event – The Stupid Knot Game

The elimination challenge is a repeat of the game where the teams are in separate metal web-shaped cages and attached to a giant twine, which they need to acrobatically tie into a complicated knot.  Then the teams need to untie their opponents’ knot. 

This looks like literally the most tiring thing in the history of earth.

Interestingly, during the knot-tieing portion, the Vegas team is having a lot of trouble and St. Thomas is killing it.  I think that being really dumb might be a major advantage in this game because you don’t even try to think about making it complicated, you just run around and there is no logical way to unravel it.  Trey is a major asset in this regard since he is technically the dumbest brick on television since the episode of I Love New York where New York went on a date with a rapper who only wrote rhymes about his horses. 

Incredibly, despite barely tying any knots, Vegas wins because St. Thomas became totally gassed.  This confirms earlier suspicions that this game is really an endurance/strength challenge rather than pure strategy.  Nice job by the gods to keep Nany in the game.  15 minutes are the game was over Trey realized he’d lost, thanked god, and said he wished he’d had more time to get to know people.  This heartfelt moment made me kind of sad for ragging on Trey.  You’re a good egg, Trevor.

Denouement

TJ says there is a lot of tension in the house, and goodness gracious is he right.  Everyone hates Alton, Frank is a sociopath, Sarah is being sneaky-bitchy to Alton in a way that makes me sad, Zach is saying menacing things and wearing deep-v muscle shirts.  Trischelle is starting to sound like the voice of reason.  We’re getting into some serious business. 

The path to the finale is coming into view.