Episode 3: The Men are Beguiled by Feminine Wiles

Episode 3:  

The Men Are Beguiled By Feminine Wiles

M.J. Saltimbocca

                There have been a lot of books and articles published lately arguing that men, as a gender, are basically finished.  We are less educated, more distracted, less employed, and generally can’t sit still in elementary school.  I’ve always been skeptical of these claims until this week when women took over the most important cultural institution in America:  The Challenge.  Just look at how the women took over every facet of the game this week:

Trishelle Somehow Dominates Team Vegas

                Las Vegas looks to be the strongest team right now.  Trishelle decided to celebrate her team’s ascendency by concocting a conspiracy theory that Sarah is feigning affection for Alton to avoid elimination.  Trishelle argued this point to anyone who would listen for the better part of the episode until she strongly resembled Carrie from Homeland on one of her liquor fueled paranoid sex romps.

                This outburst wouldn’t have been so devastating if Dustin and Alton hadn’t abdicated all authority over their team.  Dustin and Alton have performed extremely well in this competition, and are the linchpins of their future success, but Dustin never stepped up and forced the issue.  Part of me wonders whether Dustin is afraid to stand up for himself because he’s afraid the gay-porn thing will be brought up immediately.  He’s like a fat kid in elementary school who can’t make fun of anyone because he has such a glaring liability.  It’s difficult to watch.

                Trishelle may lose some hand on the team now that Sarah volunteered herself to go into the elimination.  I think she’s committed to the conspiracy theory now and should just argue that, like Abu Nazir, Sarah volunteered because she’s “playing the long game”.

                My favorite part – Trishelle showing up for the elimination challenge in a floor length ball gown like she’s Cruella Effing Deville.  Dustin, dude - get control, and get it fast.

Alton Loves Sarah

                Let’s not sugar coat this:  Alton doesn’t like Sarah, he doesn’t have a schoolyard crush on Sarah.  Alton is in love with Sarah.  We could argue about whether Sarah looks good as a bottle blonde or whether her athletic frame is appealing despite her being rather elven.  But the fact is that Alton spent this entire episode looking at Sarah like she’s Helen of Troy wrapped in bacon and god’s grace.  How could he not, they both love climbing!

                Alton – a little advice because we’re friends.  Pump the breaks, dude.  I know it’s not a good looking house this year.  Wait it out.

                Maybe Trishelle will be proven correct and Sarah is playing the game via Alton.  If she is, then Sarah is the most devious woman since Delilah cut Samson’s hair.   

                Sadly, Alton’s feelings clearly affected the game whether that was Sarah’s intention or not.  Alton flipped out, to put it mildly, and wanted to send in Preston because he doesn’t deserve to be there.  This is the kind of garbage that passes for an elimination rationale on The Biggest Loser, not The Challenge.  Buck up brother.  The only person who is here to lose weight is Knight.  Well, lose weight and publicly shame Jemmye.  Well, lose weight, publicly shame Jemmye and make me throw up by hitting on Jemmye. 

Brandon Gets Weirdly Bitched Out By Camila

                It seems like every year Brandon is utterly unliked by anyone in the house.  In an absolutely bizarre exchange, Brandon compliment Camila, for which she went into Brazilian Crazy Bitch Mode and left Brandon so frazzled that all he could do was say “You call this being a team player, homie?!”  Super, super embarrassing.  You think this would be happening if Wes or Johnny Bananas were here?

Devyn’s Breasts Poison Easy E

                (Benny the Sack did a great job covering the improbable nature of this relationship yesterday, so I won’t repeat it.)

This one may be a stretch, but consider the evidence.

             The initial challenge here was a team race using hooks to climb through monkey bars at a high elevation.  Easy was disqualified because he fell in the water, but the Zapruder film shows that Eric was dry heaving moments before he fell. Was this exhaustion?  No one else was exhausted! Eric wasn’t dry heaving in the Dome last night during the Balls Out challenge!  Only one thing has changed that could be affecting Eric’s stamina and health.

             

   And that is the introduction of Devyn’s fake breasts in his life. 

                I’ve been watching a lot of Sherlock on BBC America, so maybe that’s driving this.  When you remove all impossible solutions to a problem, what remains must be true:  Easy has been poisoned by Devyn’s chest pieces. 

******

                The week was difficult for men, but Zach and Frank were barely involved.  Hopefully they’re playing possum and will step up in future episodes to be the Neo-Wes-Johnny-CT figures we so desperately need during this changing of the guard.

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Line of the Week:

Two way tie:

Zach - “Team Brooklyn is softer than puppy turds.”  (Fact)

Chet - “I’m afraid I’m going to fall and skewer my penis.” (Despite the fact he’d be falling on water.  Chet will say absolutely anything to get camera time at this point.  He might participate in Zach and Frank’s next bikini-bottom-party for airtime purposes.